♫ Whoa, we're halfway there... ♫

THIS BLOG PROBABLY CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE, SO IF YOU'RE A POSEUR THAT DRIVES SOMETHING LAME LIKE A PORSCHE CAYMAN, THIS MAY HURT YOUR EYES.


Hello, fucks friends.


I couldn't take it anymore. I required steak sustenance. Halfway through this dumb bet, I had to cave in. So I totally did it in style.

TIME FOR SOME KROGER® meat.

There's nothing as appetizing as bottom-barrel meat from your local supermarket. I would never have gone so low had it not been out of pure necessity, but such is life. I made sure to go to the supermarket midday, when nobody would be around. There are few things more unsettling than watching hundreds of fat people buy ice cream.

My mission was a success. I bought a small "tenderloin" for a mere $7.00. Now, it was on to the most upsetting part of this entire endeavor-- cooking my own food. :-\

I bumped into my most likely unemployed neighbor when I came back and asked him if he would be my food servant for an hour. He looked puzzled. I said that I had $5.50 with his name on it if he could find an apron, cook my steak, serve it to me, and then sit in a different room (nobody wants a food servant in the same room whilst dining) until I was done. Then, he could clean up my plate and vacate the premises.

He was curious but commented on the fact that what I was offering was less than minimum wage. Since I couldn't budge, we compromised-- I would cook the food and then he would serve it to me.

He even had an apron. At this point, I was thinking he may have been a food servant in another life.

Though I don't normally cook my own food, I do know how to do everything damn near perfectly, so I proceeded to make the best possible steak out of what was most likely cow dung. The result?

What an attractive piece of cow dung. I know you're especially smitten with my blue flower plate. Let's cut it open and see if I'm as excellent as is widely believed:

 
 Oh man, I wish I were me right now.

The steak was average because it was a mediocre cut of meat and came from a supermarket. My neighbor temporary food servant was also mediocre. I take back what I said earlier. He was probably unemployed in his previous life as well.

I only gave him $5.00 because of poor service, so this meal was fifty cents under budget. It was not worth it.