While I've been doing OK for two days now, that's largely due to the fact I've dined at substandard establishments and have eaten calorie-rich foods that are high in saturated fat.
SUNDAY FUNDAY means I have to start clean and end clean. Since I was going to head to the tanning salon and gym to continue sculpting my statuesque figure, I figured I'd pound a smoothie first.
My trek for a smoothie led me to what is commonly referred to as a "strip mall," which loosely translates to "low-rent, shitty commercial real estate that attracts dollar store moguls." Also, these are perfect for small business owners who will probably go under after eight months, mostly because whatever "business" idea they had sucked to begin with.
Yes, I had to shower at the gym (before my workout) after walking through this "strip mall." I'm confident I got fleas while I was there.
There was a smoothie place right there, so I went in and ordered a "Peanut Butter Powerhouse," mostly because I'm a fucking powerhouse and I figured the aptly named drink would work some synergistic magic in my veins. I decided a 5 Hour Energy was also in order and thought I was done, but...
Then I saw meat.
I'm talking Slim Jims, bro-- but not those beloved Macho Man meat sticks. I'm talking shit made out of animals you'd never think should be eaten, like a fucking ostrich. Charge three times as much for them and wrap it in something that catches the Caucasian eye, and BAM. MONEY IN THE POCKET.
Considering I haven't been able to enjoy pheasant or duck or some other delicious beast beautifully prepared by Dean Fearing (and can't for weeks), ostrich jerky is probably the closest thing I'll get, so I put it on the tab.
$10.15 for all three. WIN.
All in all, it was a passable breakfast, but terribly unsightly. I took the top off the smoothie to see what looked like a fucking load of diarrhea with a straw. I'm sure if I dropped this on the floor yesterday at the toddler party, someone would have mistaken it for a dump-and-run.
Blech. I had to close my eyes while drinking it. I am less pleased now as I write this.
No comments:
Post a Comment